A rose with any other name

life is passing by... where is it going??

2006-06-03T16:12:00.000-07:00

Hey again.... Well Josh was home and it went pretty good... I was hard to have him here knowing that he was leaving again but Kallie took to him like she had known him the entire time! What I haven't been sharing is that Josh and I are having some marriage problems... I think they are mostly my problems... I am so tired of doing all of this I am tired of being alone... I am tired of my bed being empty... I am tired of only having Kallie to talk to and I am tired of not really having anything to do. It's a little exhausting!! I am not sure anymore if I am strong enough to be in this relationship... I have been married for 3 years now and I haven't seen my husband for more then a month the last year and a half. I am sitting here typing this all out and you would be so surprised to know I am crying my eyes out. I knew what I was getting into when I signed up to be a military wife or at least I thought I did... he wasn't supposed to be gone this long!! I wasn't supposed to be alone... I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who I am anymore... I feel defined by Military Wife or Mom... am I anything else but those things?? I don't know.... it's confusing right now and I am trying to work it out.

Hugs ladies... I still love you!!

And now I'm back from outter space.....

2006-03-20T12:22:00.000-08:00

So..... life has been interesting lately but before I get into all of that I need to apologize to my beautiful Nancy..... I did say that day that I was going to go blog and the only excuse I have for not blogging was that I forgot, forgive me darlin.... Ok well like I said it's been interesting..... I have moved in with another military wife who has 3 kids of her own..... the kids are really awesome I love them to death...... there is Kenzie who is 15, Keegan who just turned 12 today (happy birthday Keegan!!!) and Kavan who is 8..... Bethe's (the mom) husband isn't in Iraq but Kuwait and left about a month after Josh did. It's really nice for the two of us to have someone to hang out with and help out with the kids, I am not sure what I would do with out her right now.... HONESTLY!!

Josh is coming home for R and R in a month, he leaves we are not sure when he will leave Iraq but he leaves Kuwait on the 11th of April so that is promising..... he will only be home for 15 days..... which just doesn't seem sufficiante enough for someone coming home to meet his daughter but it's what they give us so I will try to be thankful for it..... I say try because I know that I am suppose to just be thankful that he has time to come home but when you look at the entire picture of how long he has been gone and all of that it's hard to be.... I am not ungrateful for any time spent with him, just wish it was more.... we really need to work on somethings in our lives.....

I am kinda afraid that I have forgotten how to be his wife... I mean, i know how to be a mom without being a wife at the same time and I know how to be a wife without being a mom but i don't know how to do both.... How do you re-learn something like that?? I am also afraid of introducing Kallie to her daddy.... I have never done that before either... and she is afraid of most men... I am hoping that the fear she has won't apply to Josh but who knows.......

Basicly just keep us in your prayers, being apart right now seems like the easiest thing we have done so far.... the hardest part is just beinging..... doesn't that sound funny coming from me, if you asked me a year ago the hardest thing in my life was loosing my son.... now it's going to be learning to live with my husband again and teaching him how to be a daddy......

Love all of you girls

wow!!

2005-12-17T16:18:00.000-08:00

I was reading Justine's blog "The Men in My Life" and it was amazing!! I know what kind of day she is talking about, I have recently been given one of those days in my life, the day Kallie was born. My Grandfather died on September 3rd of this year after a year long battle with horrible cancer. Grandpa and I have always been close , well as close we could be. The first time I think he ever danced (at least that I have seen) was at my wedding, it was so amazing. The man had a huge smile on his face and couldn't wipe it off, I had never seen him like that before it was so much fun!

Anyways, Kallie's due date was supposed to be Sept 11th but she was actually born on Sept 9th at 9:12 am about 18 minutes before my Grandfathers memorial service started. My Grandfather had said for about 2 months that all he wanted to do was wait for his Great Grandchild to be born and then he could go, I was so upset when he left us before that happened but I guess God had different plans for us. I am not sure how it works, if Grandpa was able to meet Kallie after he passed or not, but it makes me smile to think that he got to share a very intimate moment with Kallie right before she was born and that he was there with me when she was. I wasn't able to go to his funeral (obviously I was in labor, but even if I wasn't it was in Madison, WI and I was'n't) and it was such a special thing for me to have her when I did. By the time I was able to call my father and tell him that she was born the service had already started and his cell phone was off but he got it right afterwards and the announced it to everyone there. My Aunt Beth (who is a very dear friend to me) was the one that announced it and she said there was a cheer that went up in that Old Catholic church like they have never heard before. HOW AMAZING!!

The priest that did the service for my grandpa went to high school with my dad and has known our family for a very long time. He said it was an amazing gift from my Grandfather and God. A gift that said not to mourn, not to be upset that he was gone but excited because for with every death God gives life.

Justine thank you for reminding me of how much I really have to be happy about and that life is exciting and precious and gift from someone special!!

MIA

2005-12-10T16:30:00.000-08:00

Yeah it's been awhile since I have blogged and there is alot to catch everyone up on. Kallie and I had, surprisinly, a great Thanksgiving. We went up to my IL's and spent 3 days there with them and they were so wonderful! Yes this is very surprising to me! My IL's have never kept it a secret that they don't like me at all and so to have a good time where they were very pleasent and went out of there way to be that way, WOW!!

My birthday was pretty good. The day before my b-day Josh gave me his present. He and my mother had plotted and made an apt for me to spend 4 hours at the spa, it was wonderful!! My mom watched Kallie for me while I was gone and I came back sooo very relaxed!! Then on my b-day i got the rest of my presents and a wonderful dinner.

Anyway, I haven't been blogging lately because I couldn't think of anything good to say. It's so hard sometimes!! Don't get me wrong I soo know that my life is good right now, I have a beautiful daughter, a husband that loves me and a home that with my parents who love me. It's kinda funny how it's just not what I want though. I have been so lonely, I am in a home with 3 other poeple and I don't think I have been more lonely in my life. I can go about 2 weeks without someone (besides Kallie) touching me and that makes life so incomplete. I went from getting all the hugs and kisses I wanted from Josh to getting non over night, I want them all back!! I keeping wondering who needs my Josh more, the Army or me and I have come to the conclusion that I need him more but they are just bigger and meaner then me so there is nothing I can do about it. Is this what the rest of my life is going to look like though, I don't want it to look like this!! I don't want to end up like one of the cranky old military wives who I see on base. I am working hard on getting a better out look on this, canyou tell it's hard!!

Where's the love.........

2005-11-23T07:45:00.000-08:00

I thought it would be such a good thing to be able to talk to Josh every day but I am not sure it is. Yes I know he's reading this but hey it's gotta be said sometime. We talk on-line EVERY DAY! It's not a bad thing at first and really not a bad thing now but our conversations as special as they used to be. He takes it forgranted that when he wants to tell me something I will be there (and I always am there waiting, Kallie and I play near the computer so we can see). When I ask him a question it takes him a good 10-15 minutes to answer it so I sit here in my chair waiting and waiting. What in the world am I waiting for?? It's almost like my whole life is just "waiting until he gets back from Iraq." I am so afraid that if I am not here when he says something he won't know how much I love him and in the process of all of that I don't feel loved. It's that important to me to be there and it's not that important for him to be there for me. Why not? When other people talk to me they find answer right away, we have good conversations and there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with it. With him it always seems like he has me on hold and I am not interesting so he has to play games, talk to the other guys and me at the same time just to keep from falling asleep on me. I so don't want to feel this way, I think it's horrible of me that I do. Who feels this way when there spouse is gone??

I am not sure what is going on with it. What I do know is that it has to change! I have to be just ok with not answering and stepping away as he is. If I am not careful Kallie and I aren't going to be ok. If I am not careful Kallie isn't going to get the attention she needs from her mommy, and her mommy isn't going to get the Love she needs from her husband. I feel torn between the two of them and it doesn't have to be that way. So starting today (mainly because we are going to my IL's for Thanksgiving) I am going to start limiting my time on the silly computer.

Kallie and I are feeling much better!! Me more so then her, only because I can take DayQuil and she is stuck with infant nose spays and stupid green "bugger bulbs." The bugger bulb is the thing they give every mom when she has a new born, it helps suck the stuff out of them. I don't know any baby that likes it, Kallie always cries, but at least it works.

Have a Great Thanksgiving!
You too sweetie, I know you are out there and you don't like to comment on this but I love you and I hope you have a great few days!

Edited to add this, what a good quote for me today!

The year that is drawing towards its close has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God.--Abraham Lincoln

Singing Babies

2005-11-20T19:14:00.000-08:00

Yes my daughter has started to sing back at me when I sing to her. It's so amazing!! We have this CD it's called Pooh Corner by Kenny Logins and it has tons of really cute lullablies and things in it. Her favorite is called the Last Unicorn and when I start singing it she gets this huge smile on her face and by the time the song is over she is trying to sing along with me. It's amazing what it does for my heart that she does that. We took pictures, that's what she's doing up there.

So Josh has borrowed a webcam from someone (he hasn't had one since his new mission came down) and I have been having fun "seeing" my husband. It's kinda funny though, trying to figure out how to have a relationship online and not face to face like normal couples. We start out being friends online and then dated long distance so it's really not new to use, but it's totally different now. We have a daughter that I have to share camera time with, I don't mind doing that at all it's just funny, and I have to make sure that he gets details about the new things she is up to.

Ok on a different note, Kallie and I have colds. At least I am hoping they are colds. My mom was exposed to whooping cough about 2 weeks ago now about the same time that Kallie got vaccinated for it so it could be that we have that. We are going to go to the Dr.'s on Tuesday if neither one of us is feeling better to see what's going on. I am so praying that it's not what this is. It would just be annoying for me to have it but it's soooo much more serious for Kallie to have it and I am a little scared about it. Well that's all for now.

I am feeling so much better.....

2005-11-15T15:09:00.000-08:00

After some much needed sleep and a really really good talk with Josh (plus some new pictures of him) I am feeling so much better. Look at how cute my husband is. It does my heart so much good to have pictures of him. I mean I have pictures of us around the house and lots in my room but it's not the same. Knowing that this picture was taken very recently is different. It's almost as if the picture was taken just for me (yes I know it wasn't but I can imagine that it was). Kallie and I had a long talk to and I think I have come to some understandings, she's a great listener!

ok here is a list of the understandings that I came to:
- I need to ask for more help around here. It's not right for me to do everyone's dirty work plus take care of my daughter. I am the mother of one not 4 the big ones need to fend for themselves ever once in awhile.
- I need to learn to cry and scream out my frustrations sometimes. I grew up in a house where it's not really ok to cry and the only reason you scream is if you are upset. I am a mom and the wife of a soldier in a war zone, if I can't scream or cry who can??
- Getting out of the house is a good thing. I know that it's ok to get out and go to church and run errands but making play dates with other mom's just so I can talk to other mom's (Kallie is to small for real play dates so they are my play dates) is ok too.
- Being just ok is ok. Why do I have to be fine all the time?? Why can't I be just ok??
- And last but not least, the only people I have to make happy in life right now are Kallie, Josh and myself. This one is a major one!! The world has just been lifted off my shoulders by realizing this one. Kallie smiles and laughs more for me then anyone else, isn't that enough in life right now that Kallie and I are happy together and Josh is able to see the two of us. How amazing!!

These are probably things that are obvious to most people, sometimes it takes me a little bit longer to catch up to things. I felt like I couldn't ask for to much help from my parents because they are already helping us out by letting us live in their home. My Dad pointed out to me though that they only time he gets to be alone with Kallie is if I ask for help with her at night. That's something he won't have with any of his other grandkids and I shouldn't take that away from him with this one (Dad's really are smart sometimes).

Thanks for all of the support! I love all of you so much and it means tons that you are there for me. HUGS

I am screaming and no one is listening to me.......

2005-11-10T23:16:00.000-08:00

While that's not really true (actually it's probably not true at all) that's how I am feeling right now. I am so tired of not being happy, I have moments of happiness and I put on a really good face most of the time but I am tired of it! Kallie threw up twice tonight and no one was home to help me or her clean up, that's fine I got it all taken care of and even got her to go to sleep. At about 9 pm my parents both come home and their dog barks. I came upstairs and told the dog he had to be quiet and then threatened to spank him the next time they did it. My parents scolded me for yelling at the dog, HE ALMOST WOKE UP MY DAUGHTER WHO IS SICK AND YOU YELL AT ME?? So that's what I said to them and of course I couldn't do it without crying. I don't know why but I can't seem to do much of anything without crying lately.

I feel like yelling at God when is it my turn to stop hurting?!?!?! When is it going to be enough?? I know I should be happy with everything that I have but I can't help but want what I don't, mainly my husband and a whole family. I don't know why I can't be satisfied. I am supposed to be satisfied. What is wrong with me?? I think I am to busy trying to keep everyone happy and Josh is to busy trying to keep me happy that no one is happy. Ok as an example, while he is working he can talk to me online. I try to stay very close to the computer so he can see Kallie and I with the webcam. So that's about 6 hours of my day taken up. When he gets back to his room I try to talk to him for as long as I can so that he can see his daughter. He trys to stay up as long as he can so he can make me happy (I think one day I accidentally got upset and told him it's not fair that he gets so much sleep and complains about it so he is trying to get as little sleep as I do).

GRRRR life is to hard for me to figure it all out right now and it's way to late for me to think straight or even type straight, I need to go to bed. Nite

reason # I'm not sure but it's alot......

2005-11-10T09:55:00.000-08:00

that I am glad I am not in High School or Dating. My poor sister is having some problems. I have said before that she is dating a cadet and he truely is a great guy, I really like him!! Well here is the problem, his Mommy kinda runs his life. That's fine when you are in High School and not training to be an officer in the Air Force. My sis is going to his home for about 4 days right after christmas and sis' bf (we will call him Tex cause that's where he is from) mom was suppose to be the one paying for the ticket well that didn't happen.

I guess you kinda need some back round on this lady, Tex's family came out for parents weekend and spent an after noon at our house . His sister has been married for at least year (I have a feeling it's longer but I can't remember) and was asking me questions about being pregnant and having a baby. Tex's Mom looked right as his sister and said "We don't have to worry about these things yet, we have decided to wait to have babies haven't we sweetie!?!?" I couldn't believe it!! Ummm the last time I checked the peopel who make the decisions on something like that are the 2 people that sleep in the bed in my room. So anyways, when it came to paying for the tickets she told Tex that she wouldn't do it, then when it came down to telling her when the my sis flys in she said "That's fine but you have to pick her up, I won't." Now all of these things are fine, I understand really I do, why should she pay for her sons GF to fly out right.

If that was the end of it I would be happy, my sis doesn't just have problems with her but a couple other things too. Tex is going home for Thanksgiving and is going to hang out with this girl that apparently likes him alot and is known for her Hoover like ablities and she apparently likes Tex alot. Now Tex doesn't see anything wrong with taking her out to a club or taking this girl to the movies (yeah he's a guy) but of course my sis does.

Yes this has become my life recently. Taking care of my baby girl and listening to my sisters problems. I am so glad I am not in High School!!

Amanda, I can't let my child wear anything that has Purdue on it!! I went to IU and I think I would get straight to hell for that!! LOL

E-mail's

2005-11-07T23:11:00.000-08:00

Ok so I have been so excited about other peoples e-mail (maybe because I don't get any from my husband). No not your per-say but one persons in particular. I have a friend who has been through a rough little patch (she is someone that I meet on iVillage when I was dating Josh, we were so funny we planned our futures together we were going grocery shopping and living next door to each other, LOL) and asked me, she was kidding but I decided to ask Josh anyways, if Josh had any friends that need a penpal. Well turns out that Josh had one person that he came up with that "needed" a penpal. So I have been so excited about her e-mails from this guy that she has stricked orders to keep me informed on what's going on. I am living an exciting life through my friend!!

The cutest Cheerleader

2005-11-07T16:51:00.000-08:00

isn't she cute!!!

Ok, my cleaning is done for the day and.......

2005-11-07T16:03:00.000-08:00

I can finally post. Kallie didn't go to be last night until about 11pm, she had such an upset little tummy poor baby girl!

I forgot to tell Josh yesterday (and yes I think he will be happy with this) that we got the rebate money in the mail. Not all of it be most of it, only $10 missing from one rebate. The other thing I forgot to tell ya sweetie is that Daniel is staying at my parents for awhile. I know you don't know who Daniel is but the important thing is I know who he is. He graduated from my sisters school last year and went off and joined the Navy. His mom is in Turkey (she's not a U.S. citizen and for some reason can't get here) and his dad moved to Michigan after he left so he is back here visiting all of his friends. He called my sister on Thursday and said that he was flying in, when she asked if he had some place to stay he said he was hoping to find someone to stay with so he's staying here. I think he is leaving here tonight but I'm not sure.

Ok on to different news, I have done more laundry today then my sister has done in her entire life!! I did Kallies, mine, my parents and my sisters laundry all because they can't find time to do it for some strange reason. I laughed at them yesterday when they asked me to do it, I don't think I have any more time on my hands then they do in case they didn't notice I do have a baby to take care of. So what I did was put the laundry in, dry it and then laid it on the approriate persons bed so they can fold it. It frees up more time for what I have to do that way :)

Time to take care of my baby girl.

Army WON!!

2005-11-05T22:34:00.000-08:00

Yes that is right you heard it here first ARMY WON!! I couldn't watch the game even though it was a nationally televised game because they don't show them in the surrounding towns that the game is played in. However I am very thankful for ESPNgo.com they have updates every 15 seconds or so and kept me very well informed!! The only bad part of this whole thing was that Kallie and I were here with my parents and well lets just say I shouldn't have walked into there room when I thought they weren't there. Turns out they were being silent on purpose.

Ok now for the rest of my day. I did laundry watched the Purdue game and the Indiana game (I didn't see the final score of the Purdue game but I know Indiana lost) and then cooked dinner. Josh called and talked to my mom about a birthday present for me. It kinda made me feel really important that my husband is so far away doing something so important and is still thinking about my birthday. It's one of those things that lets you know your loved, ya know. So when they were done with that he talked to me and we both played and talked with Kallie. He sang to her while I held the phone up to her ear. Thats my favorite part of his phone calls, when he sings to her. When he does that I can pretend like he never went away that he is right down the road on his way home but he just wanted to call so that he doesn't miss a minute of his little girl. I know it's silly of me to do that but I have to hold on to something in order to make it through.

Time for bed though Good night all

Army vs. Airforce

2005-11-05T10:35:00.000-08:00

In case you didn't know Air Force is playing Army today in football and I have a small problem. Josh went to the Air Force Academy for 2 years and then left and is now in the Army, are you begining to see my problem, well I think I am going to cheer for Army seeing as Josh is in Iraq with the Army. Now to add to my problem, I want to go to the game. It's not that far from me and I want to see the game, it snowed last night so Kallie can't go and on top of that my sister is dating an Air Force Cadet and will be sitting with him the entire time only reminding me of why I am routing for Army becuase my husband is gone.

She should sit with her boyfriend, I'm not saying that she shouldn't at all I just get so tired of seeing other people cuddle up with there SO while I can't and won't be able to until April or May of next year. No one should have to stop cuddling or what ever they are doing becuase I am around but I can decided not to go places where there is an excessive amount of it going on (and trust me with teenagers at a college football game there is always an excessive amount of it going on).

Ok so basicly I am not going to go to a game that I really want to go to because I don't want to sit by myself with out my baby girl and I have no desire to sit with my sister ( who has already said she won't sit with me becuase I am routing for Army) and her boyfriend. Today I think is going to be another lonely day!!

I forgot to show off pictures of my Pumpkin

2005-11-05T10:11:00.000-08:00

I also have pictures of her in her Cheerleading outfit but that I will have to add later. Just so you know it's a Wisconsin Badgers cheerleading outfit, like all girl outfits it has a butt cover that says GO BADGERS, it's to cute!

Things that mothers get excited about.....

2005-11-03T22:42:00.000-08:00

It's kind of amazing how simple my life has become. My day consists of waking up to feed my little one, getting her dressed, playing with her, laying her down for a nap, feeding her, playing wih her, laying her down then about 8 or so she takes a bath I get her ready for bed and I spend the rest of the time trying to get her to go to sleep. The next day it all starts over again with just a little variation so the as you can imagine the little things amuse me. Today Kallie would spit out her pacifier and then want it again. No she wasn't hungry she just wanted to play a game. So she then figured out how far she could spit it out and still have it in range enough to suck it back into her mouth. The first time I saw her do this I laughed so hard!! To anyone else I am sure this isn't very funny but I thought it was so funny!!! Can you see her doing this, she would spit it out on her left side and then lean her head down latch on to the end of it and suck it back into her mouth.

I hope some one out there understands what I am saying!! I really am not crazy I promise!!

Today was something called a day

2005-11-02T22:33:00.000-08:00

I am trying to get Kallie into some kind of a routine (yes I know she's only 8 weeks old but I need to start some time) and the routine seems to be something she likes. She slept all night long (YAY) woke up at 6, had a bottle and went back to sleep until 9:30 then slept an hour at 11:30. Then took another nap at 2:30 and I woke her up at 5:30. This is the same thing we did yesterday so I am hoping that this is what we will continue to do.

To tell you the truth this isn't the schedule I had wanted for her or one I forced her into. She kinda came up with it on her own when I was trying to make one. It's funny how as a mom I was so afraid of so many things breast feeding, making my babies schedule and a few others I can't think of right now and she is the one that figures it all out. She knew what to do in all of these instances before I did. I was talking to some friends of mine and their kids were the same way, they did things on their own and mom just followed the cues given. It makes it so much easier to know that your mommy intuition is right and you should just go with what your baby is telling you!!

That's it for now, maybe I will write more later after my mom and sister wake Kallie up from laughing so hard!

I can't believe this, she finally did it!!

2005-11-02T06:28:00.000-08:00

Ok, so here it is 6:30 or so in the AM and I am so excited because Kallie finally slept through the night!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!! I looked at my clock and thought that someone had changed it on me but it was telling me the real time. How exciting!!

OMWord I am such a mom!!

To the one who thought of webcams, I LOVE YOU!!

2005-11-01T21:13:00.000-08:00

I bought a webcam about a week ago now and I am so thankful for it!! My Husband was able to see his daughter for the first time live with it and I am not sure if he cried when he saw her but as soon as the conversation was over I cried (and I am sure somewhere in there Kallie cried too). It's so amazing to be able to show Josh her from so many miles away.

So the reason I am so thankful for it today is because Josh is sick and I could tell he was so very lonely. He was able to see Kallie and I today and it probably didn't make him feel any better it made me feel like I was doing something.

And on a totally different note, I stepped on a nail last night. I had just put Kallie down for the night and I walked to my room and found a nail. There is a huge hole in my foot and it's pretty yucky!!! Did you know that your foot bleeds really bad when it gets pricked??

What a day!!!

2005-10-31T20:22:00.000-08:00

My baby girl has cried every time I hold her for the last 2 hours or so. Mainly because she is so tired and she knows that if she comes to me it's time to go to sleep, she wouldn't even take a bottle from me. It's a horrible feeling, I am so afraid of holding her!! Ok so the other reason I am afraid of holding her is because earlier today my mother called from work and I answered it then my cell phone rings and it's Josh calling from Iraq so of course I am going to answer it as soon as I can. Well my hands were full!! In one arm I am holding a sleeping Kallie and in the other hand both phones. In case you couldn't see it coming I dropped one of the phones on her head. I couldn't believe it happened, we both started crying right away!! I felt so awful!! Both of us are crying on the phone and poor Josh is listening to us cry all the way from Iraq, I am not sure the poor guy knew what to do with us. He has a hard enough time dealing with one crying girl now he has two.

My day wasn't as really as bad as it sounds though. Kallie and I went to some friends house for a babies version of trick or treating, basicly it's a whole bunch of babies laying around in silly outfits that their Mommys dressed them up in. Then the mommys take a whole lot of pictures of these silly babies. It was kinda nice to talk to someone during the day!!

It's time for me to go to bed though so I am running to my bed to collapse. Good Night, your Girls love you Joshua!!

2005-10-31T17:22:00.000-08:00

Today is Halloween and what I normally would be doing is getting ready to go out and spend time with friends, now I get to get ready to stay in and spend time with my daughter (who's dressed up as a little pumpkin). I am still not used to this whole not my life any more thing. It's kinda funny, up until the day your baby is born you can do anything you want and then in the instant that you start having contractions it's all over. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I love my daughter and wouldn't want to go on without her, it's just a shock to the system when it's all said and done.

Being a single parent is pretty hard too, I am not sure how some ladies do it. The ones who truely are single parents have earned my respect!!! I am blessed enough to have my parents here to help and the knowledge that one day my husband will be back home eventually helps some too. Can you imagine taking care of an infant all alone?? First off you are so tired by the third week that you can't even talk straight much less change a poopy diaper right, then add on top of that having to go out and get diapers(or wash them depending on if you are using cloth ones) shower yourself and the baby and cleaning your own clothes. God Bless the people who do that by themselves!! If that was me I would be crying more then the baby!!

Thank you Nancy for all that you said. Josh said pretty much the same thing, if I finally do decided to tell them how it is I will let you know

I hate feeling lonely

2005-10-30T22:25:00.000-08:00

Today was a particularly hard day for me but Sundays always are. I get up in the morning, just as everyone else in the house (I live with my parents and my 18 year old sister) is getting ready to walk out the door for church, and start my day of also starting to get ready for church. Once Kallie and I are already we climb in the car head out and arrive about 15 minutes later. There I will answer tons of questions about how I am handling it with my husband away and when the last time I talked to him was and on and on and on. Mainly they want to know when the last time I really had a good cry was but they don't want me to be honest. They want to hear that I am doing great, that just like my husband I am being a good little soldier and haven't shed one tear since he left in January.

All I want to do on Sundays is stand there and tell them how much I cry. I want to say that I cry myself to sleep every night because I am the only parent my child will know for another year. That I get jealous when I see them with there spouses holding there hands or kissing. I want to tell them how much it hurts to watch the news and wonder if my husband was anywhere near the last expolsion they are talking about in Iraq. But nobody wants me to say that. They don't want the real pain that comes with being an Army Wife. They think because I volunteered for the job that I should take it like a man. Why do I have to?? Why can't I cry without someone saying "At least you have ........."

Anways, I come home and cry every Sunday and then start my weekly routine all over again. It's an awful way to start a week!!

This probably doesn't make any sense but I promised myself that I would be honest when writing this and if I go back to re-read I know I will delete it. If you are actually reading this you get a cookie for getting to here!!

Taking after Heather

2005-10-28T23:10:00.000-07:00

I have tried for so long to keep a journal and have never been good at it. Maybe if it's on-line I will be better at it. At least this way my husband can read it and try to keep on top of me to write daily.

Kalina, my daughter, is 7 weeks old today and I am finally begining to feel like her mother. Everyone says how wonderful motherhood is and how everything changes in an instant and they are so wrong. For the longest time I felt like a horrible mother because I didn't feel the bond that I am supposed to with her but I am finally starting to get a bond. It's not the one I thought I would have but it's alot different and alot more strong.

That's enough for now, i am not sure anyone will even read this. I guess the point is to at least put my thoughts out there though.

Good night